What a strong relationship with myself looks like

On NYE 2017, I posted a photo of a “5 day cleanse” that I was going to embark on the first week of 2018. It was merely non-inflammatory foods, whole foods, a cleansing re-boot after the holidays.

A friend of mine sent me a direct message through IG, and said “So 2017 was detox-worthy, huh?” I simply replied “Yes.” No further comment.

I was running errands, a little pre-occupied, feeling facetious. Thinking “that’s a loaded question for an Instagram message, do I want to get into this or not right now?” I thought for a moment and then realized, maybe I do….a little. I responded: “I think a six month decline and fall of a relationship that was traumatic (at times) is detox-worthy. But, I am glad it happened because I learned a shit ton.” Very prolific, Andrea. But between running to Aaron Brothers to pick up some art and taking care of errands, it was the best I had at the moment. I didn’t even get into the failed business venture or family struggles, decided just to keep it to one thing.

He replied, “I figured that’s what you meant, but didn’t want to assume. I am heartened to hear that you feel you came out of it knowing more about yourself. Anything in particular?” The first thing that came to mind that I replied with was: “That I don’t have a strong enough relationship with myself, that I ended up in a co-dependent relationship and was trying to figure out why, and that there is still a lot of work to do on me before I find somebody else to share my life with.” His response was kind. A heart emoji with the posed challenge “‘I would be curious to know more about what a “strong relationship with [yourself]” looks like, even if by only way of what it doesn’t look like.” Way to pull out the hard one. This particular friend has been in my life for close to 15 years, and is always one to ask the right questions without being too invasive or critical. I just replied with “This is a fantastic question, maybe I will write about it.” He said “Keep me posted.”

I thought about his question most of the afternoon on NYE. [Disclaimer, I think. A lot. About deep stuff.] Just last week I was out with somebody I just met, and about 3 hours into our conversation he said “Do you stress a lot?” I laughed for a second. I got embarrassed for a second. Then said “Yes. What makes you think that?” He replied “I can just tell there is a lot going on in your head. I barely know you and I can see the wheels turning constantly. When we’re talking about something, it’s as if you’ve already moved on to what you’re going to say next. You’re thinking hard.” I was embarrassed, thinking he was basically telling me “Hey, you’re not present right now, I’m having a conversation with you.” Which was somewhat true, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it. And I hated that about myself. Nobody wants to be that person. He then went on to say “It’s not a bad thing.” But I sure thought so. I thought “oh my gosh, this guy can see right into my soul. I haven’t let him in there, and I hate that that’s what he saw.”

I tell that story because this question posed from my friend on Instagram had me in somewhat of a tailspin going into NYE and I was trying to gain some perspective and clarity on what exactly I was trying to detox, and what having a stronger relationship with myself actually meant.

“What’s a strong relationship with yourself look like, even if only by way of what it “doesn’t” look like?” What an amazing question.

I write a lot. But not on a public forum. Mainly for my own therapy and sanity. Sometimes just to get me out of bed in the morning. Mainly to help me process things.

I could list 100 things I don’t like about myself, being as self-critical as I am. I won’t get into that. However as of very recently, I’ve realized one one my biggest flaws is the self imposed parameters on what I think is right or wrong for me. Let me re-phrase, what my conscious mind thinks is right or wrong for me.

Here’s an example: I very recently started dating again, after four months of reclusiveness, 4 months of anger and sadness and grieving, 4 months of blaming myself for the downfall of my relationship, 4 months of continued therapy, 4 months of shutting people down around me and really, 4 months of downright self hatred. If I talked to anyone else the way I was talking to myself, I would have absolutely nobody in my life.

When I started to get asked out on dates, I was totally freaked out. My responses included but were not limited to: “Sorry, not now. I’m not ready to do this”, “I’m in an relationship with myself”, “I’m not ready to invite anyone else into my life. I am still too broken. I am not whole. I haven’t grown enough”, “You don’t want to date me right now”, “Sure we can go share a meal or go on a walk, BUT IT’S NOT A DATE”, “I need to be single. I’m still grieving. I am a hot mess.” What a gem.

And, that is ALL still somewhat true. But that wasn’t the problem.

As I thought about this more, I realized that what I was more angry about wasn’t where I was at in the grieving process, it was my self imposed parameters. I found myself saying all different kinds of things to the guys that would ask me out, putting all these rules around what I could and could not do, outlining what I was capable of, what I wanted, what I thought I needed, what I thought was best for me.

Based on…..what? I was [am] so afraid of losing control of where I was at (because I felt like I was barely hanging on anyway) that if I let somebody else in, I would lose myself again, that I wouldn’t be giving myself the space to grow, that I would end up back where I started, that it would be an imposition, that I’d have to be responsible for somebody else’ emotions and not mine….and the list goes on. Even my parents responded to my rigid responses with “You deserve to enjoy your life, let yourself have some fun, let yourself enjoy people and experiences.” I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that if doesn’t work out again, that’s okay. If I have to have a hard conversation with somebody and be radically honest on where I’m are at, that is okay.

So the internal struggle has been between “Andrea, go live your life and enjoy your time with people who enjoy your company, who want to do fun activities with you, who just want to get to know you as a person,” and “Andrea, control the situation, make it known where you are at and make sure they know too, so nobody is misled and you don’t have to end up in a hard conversation. Don’t make anyone else subject to your vulnerability and heal yourself first, so then you will be healthy and this won’t fail again.”

Then I realized that life is a jungle gym. Like business, success in anything isn’t linear. That you have to learn to be comfortable with the super uncomfortable. That relationships are a learning laboratory for more than just the relationship at hand, but for life. I talk about this often when I have speaking engagements, and I agree with it. I really do, and in business I know it to be true. In theory, sounds great, but in practice with your personal life it’s a whole hell of a lot harder.

I’m trying to find a way to honor both. And for me, that is a step in having a stronger relationship with myself.

I was imposing all these rules because I was [am] scared to death — of myself. Rooted in the need for control and more than that, rooted in fear: fear of losing control of myself, of situations, and then ultimately, feeling uncomfortable and feeling like a failure. In the past, I’ve often jumped back into relationships to help the process of moving forward from the last, or traveled the world to avoid life for awhile and wait for it to pass. But this time it was different. I knew that this time, if I didn’t dive into my fear head on, it would continue to happen. And I was over it. I was over avoiding my true authentic self and figuring out who she was. I didn’t even know who she was, but I’ve made it my mission to find out. I knew that it was [is] going to be super painful and hard and emotional and that the pain of that would be harder than any breakup, but it was time to wake the fuck up.

It’s really a crazy feeling when you realize that you don’t know yourself down to your core and that you’ve been asleep at the wheel. And I didn’t want to be somebody that simply goes through life asleep.

So, I am on a journey to do both. Like any other human, I need people, human connection (emotionally, physically) and what I’m learning to do is to be radical transparent with people on where I am at, the best way I can and know how. It’s hard to say to somebody “I do like you, there are feelings here, but I am not sure I can act on that right now because of where I am at on my journey.” Or ”I want to date you, but I need and want to date other people, because I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want. That doesn’t negate that there are emotions here, but I’m being honest with my true self here.” Or simply “I can’t do this anymore, but I’m glad we tried.” Or even, the scariest, “yes, let’s do this.”

I guess it goes hand in hand with this feeling of being comfortable with the uncomfortable.

So, “was 2017 was detox worthy?” Yes. It was. But not in the way that you would think. Every year is detox worthy in some capacity. If it wasn’t, we’d be stagnant. I wouldn’t throw it away. I wouldn’t forget it. I am glad it happened. With the traumatic times also came some AMAZING experiences and moments.

I had a great love with a great man who came into my life for a reason.

I embarked on a new business venture, a pivot in my career

I got to travel internationally more, a true love of mine.

I strengthened my relationship with my Mom and and am on the same track, with my Dad and siblings.

All of these came with their own painful moments. But I am grateful, because if I didn’t experience any of this, I wouldn’t be having this conversation with myself right now. I wouldn’t be inclined to dive deeper into this relationship with myself.

What I’m doing my best to detox from:

• Treating myself like shit. I would never talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself. This might be the most challenging.
• Staying too comfortable, because in the past for me, that has meant staying asleep to major issues in my life. This is a work in progress.
• Overthinking and over processing when I don’t need to, and figuring out when that is. This will be hard.
• Letting outside factors (other people, the world, my work) affect my demeanor and how I act and treat others. This will also be hard.

What I want to practice in 2018 to strengthen my relationship with myself:

• Practice authenticity and radical honesty with myself, but more importantly (and harder), with others.
• Get my lower back issues under control, which means being super diligent about my morning routine with strengthening and stretching and finding new outlets such as swimming and pilates. The physical and emotional are so connected.
• Be diligent about my morning practice of self love and start my days feeling empowered, not scared. (“I am” statements, meditation, more writing).
• Embrace my inner empath and and understand that not everyone is where I am at (for good or for bad) and accept others where they are at.
• Strengthen the most important relationship in my life: the one with me. Put myself above others, in a healthy way and respectful way.

I also want to do a TEDx talk, learn more about Bitcoin and decrease my alcohol intake. But those are more tactical.

I shared this piece of writing with the same friend who originally posted the Instagram question earlier. I said “I have no idea if it is something I want to post publicly but I’m trying to find more creative outlets and is it really that bad to be vulnerable?!” He said, in his own truth seeking wisdom: “Not at all. But really scary to be so vulnerable. Sit with that question. You’ll know.”

I share in hopes that this resonates with somebody else to help them realize that they’re not alone in the struggle towards a higher self, but also for accountability. Not for what I eat, or to be reminded to workout, but to remind myself and hopefully others that every day is an opportunity to be a better version of ourselves. If you asked me what that meant two years ago, I would have looked at you like a deer in headlines.

But, I took the red pill and there’s no going back.