Today marks my 2 year anniversary off of Xanax, and I am choosing to share my story in the hopes that it helps at least one other person. Beginning to end, it talks about how I ended up on Xanax, the physical withdraw experience I went through, and the emotional withdraw (grief) experience that nobody ever told me about.

In 2014 I went to Southeast Asia for a one-month entrepreneurship program. I was 30 years old. Although extremely excited to be going and accepted, I was extremely anxious.

It was the longest flight I would ever take (20+ hours);

It was a brand-new country

I didn’t know anyone there,

It was my first time traveling solo.

…and on top of it I was three weeks off of a breakup from the guy I thought I was going to marry.

But, I had a month’s supply of my anti-anxiety drug, Xanax, so although I had nerves, I knew they could be calmed within 90 seconds, should I pop that trusty blue pill.

I went on my trip. I fell in love with Southeast Asia. After one month I decided I wanted to stay longer and travel.

But, I only had a month’s supply of Xanax.

When I found myself spending no longer enjoying life in Thailand, rather scouring Facebook forums on how to find prescription drugs in Chiang Mai, spending days walking through underground pharmacies reading drug labels for or anything that resembled (or was a generic )of the mind altering, emotion suppressing drug (knowing that if I didn’t find it I had to get on the next flight home,) I knew there was a problem.

WHEN IT ALL STARTED

Since I was 12 years old, I had been on some sort of anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication (Paxil, Wellbutrin, Xanax, Cymbalta, Prozac at one point). As a kid I had a lot of emotions and in the 90’s, there was not much education or knowledge around drugs, dependencies and long term affects. It was also a time when actual talk-therapy and understanding that there was likely a systemic root problem possibly being masked, wasn’t as understood or socially accepted as it is now. It was simply “something is wrong with you, we need to fix it.” I remember going to the child psychiatrist, talking to him for five minutes, getting a prescription and being sent back out to the waiting room to see my Mom. Neither of us were ever warned that Xanax was addicting, a drug that could compromise a developing brain or that it had the capacity to become a dependency. Neither of us were ever told “Benzodiazepines are supposed to be prescribed for a short time.” It was prescribed to “make me better,” and sent me clear signals as a child, that I had a “problem.” I choose believe my parents did the best they could with what they knew, in trying to help their child feel better.

I trusted the drug. It never let me down. For years, I was used to being able to go to the medicine cabinet when I was feeling the onset of any sort of emotional turmoil, and quickly turn it off. Whether it was going to school, heading off to camp, going on a date, traveling on an airplane, taking a test, heading off to college, you name it. It brought me peace knowing I didn’t have to feel anxiety or pain. It gave me safety knowing that I could go and do what I wanted to do, even if I was nervous for it, because this would help get me through.

6 YEARS IN

By college, it was a drug that I was taking every night simply to go to sleep (a dosage, .25–1.5mg). It became a staple in my suitcase, my backpack, my purse and my car. Mixed with the copious of amounts of partying, other anti-anxiety meds being taken and alcohol consumption, it’s a shock to me I didn’t die or end up in the hospital. Xanax was never a party drug for me, and I never understood why my friends in college would take it as such.

When I joined the workforce, I kept it in my desk. When I would move cities, the first thing I would do was find a new psychiatrist, to make sure I always was able to get a prescription. And, it was always in my nightstand.

It got to the point where if I was somewhere and didn’t have it with me — I would leave. I left boyfriends’ houses in the middle of the night, sleepovers with friends, I even flew home from spring break in Mexico one year. I remember one night in 2013, I was visiting my out of town boyfriend and realized I didn’t have any. I spent the night shaking in his arms, my mind racing, trying to slow down my heart rate, on the cusp of panic. I slept maybe two hours and had never felt so embarrassed and ashamed. Whether that reaction was truly physical or mental, the emotions around it were real.

15 YEARS IN

In my mid — late twenties, I began going to a therapist and taking time to dig into many childhood root issues, realizing that these drugs were masking a lot of deep trauma that had yet to be recognized or resolved. While that brought up a whole new emotional journey and years of work, I got to a point in my late 20's/early 30’s when I realized that I no longer needed the drug.

TRYING TO WEAN OFF, UNSUCCESSFULLY

I tried to get off it several times over the years, not taking it for a night, taking half of it, substituting with melatonin or tea — but it wasn’t working. Every time I tried, I lasted only a couple hours into the night before I simply just popped the pill again so I could sleep. I woke up with so much shame, and vowed to keep trying. But, with many life changes in my early 30’s and my big Southeast Asia journey, I knew I would need it, so kept the prescription going.

However, after having that experience in Thailand in 2014, I knew I had to seriously figure out how to break the dependency.

In 2015, I began to taper down. I was regularly taking between 1–2mg daily, depending on what was going on in my life. Over the course of a year long taper (which I did without a doctor), I was down to .125mg.

HOW I DID IT

In May 2016, my mom called me up and asked if I would go to the local cannabis dispensary and pick up some CBD edibles for my 95 year old grandmother to help with her tremors. I had a medical marijuana card which I used occasionally, but hadn’t fully gotten into the benefits of cannabis for medical purposes (yet)! I remember walking in and seeing the vast array of options — edibles, teas, gummy bears, cookies, tinctures, patches. I had read that CBD was helping people wean off prescription drugs, but that was the extent. I decided to purchase a variety of items and take them home to try for fun. I got edibles, a tea and a tincture.

Later that day, I had a facial scheduled and at the end of it, my esthetician gave me an amazing shoulder massage. I got home about 8pm and was feeling very relaxed. I glanced at the counter and decided to try an edible. I had no idea what the proper dosage would be for somebody my size and weight, but decided to pop a 25mg pure CBD gummy. Within an hour I was sleepy and laid down.

I remember waking up and looking at the clock — I had slept 12 hours. It was the first night in nearly 15 years that I had slept a full night without a Xanax. Unintentionally. I decided to try it again the next night, and the night after that, and the night after that. After a few days I adjusted my dosage, since 25mg was a lot, and found my sweet spot around 12.5–15mg.

During this time, I had a friend who was in recovery and on his own withdrawal journey. Granted it was for different drugs, but he was my light and guide in this process, as he had just been through it on a larger scale.

• He knew how I felt.
• He knew what questions to ask.
• He knew how to support me.
• He could preemptively anticipate when it would be hard for me, and be there — whether it was a simple text or bringing me a new form of CBD to try.
• He introduced me to Kava tea and other helpful remedies, which became very helpful during times of acute anxiety and sleep as well, or when I felt like perhaps the CBD wasn’t working.

I can’t tell you how important those traits and experiences are to somebody going through this, and I am forever grateful to him.

While my family and friends tried to be supportive, they did not understand what I was going through. There really is no way that anyone who has not been through this, could ever understand. While a medical journal can break down chemically what is happening in your body during the withdrawal, it does not come close to preparing you for the emotional roller coaster you are about to get on. Getting off of a benzo is more than a physical withdrawal.

My experience of getting off a benzo was a life pivot; a raw and vulnerable time of life and ultimately, an awakening. My body was purging something that had consistently been in it, for nearly 20 years.

The way Xanax works:

• Xanax is part of the Benzodiazepine family — a class of drugs that interacts with the GABA-A receptors, the receptors responsible for producing calming effects in our body.
• GABA receptors are located in the brain, they are also in our central nervous system and scattered throughout the body.
• Since receptors are like light switches, they have to be switched on. In the human body, they are switched on my neurotransmitters, which are chemicals used to carry messages around the brain. GABA-A receptors are switched on by the GABA neurotransmitter.
• Xanax is an agonist, meaning that it amplifies the GABA-A receptors’ effects, attaching itself to the GABA-A receptor and increasing the effectiveness of the GABA neurotransmitter. So, when you take Xanax, the switch (or receptor) is flicked on to full power, taking you off the edge of that panic attack and providing you an immediate sense of calm.
• GABA-A receptors are concentrated in an area of the brain known as the hippocampus, which is important for memory. This is also believed to be the reason why Xanax causes blackouts.

Makes sense, as I don’t remember much of my teen years, blacked out nearly all of college (intensified, as I was mixing it with alcohol) and have trouble with both long and short term memory.

However, over time Xanax causes damage GABA receptors, causing them to develop a sensitivity to benzodiazepines and natural GABA molecules. When you continue to take benzodiazepines for an extended period of time, your brain becomes accustomed to this down-regulated state causing physical dependence. When benzodiazepines are abruptly withdrawn, the brain will experience too much activity. Brain cells will hire to excess causing withdrawal symptoms such as fever, hypertension, tachycardia, seizures, tremors and anxiety.

I experienced some of these.

THE WITHDRAWL EXPERIENCE

Over the course of three months, my brain was re-wiring. My GABA receptors were trying to figure out where to reconnect and my chemical makeup was in turmoil, I experienced:

• Speech slurring. This was terrifying, when I couldn’t articulate the words I was thinking and processing in my brain. I could feel my brain working over time. My left brain capacities were challenged.
• Consistent Rapid Heartbeat (tachycardia), especially at night.
• Anxiety. Naturally.
• Nausea, at times. While I never actively vomited, the feeling came and went.
• Muscle pain. Xanax is not a local drug. It takes over your body. While I was using it for anxiety, the drug serves many purposes (muscle relaxation, controlling epileptic seizures). By default, I received the *benefits,* but when I stopped taking it, I experienced severe joint and muscle pain. One day in particular I couldn’t even walk, and stayed on the couch all day.
• Extreme lethargy/exhaustion. I would find myself sleeping for 12+ hours, on a regular basis.
• Loneliness, and the fear of now only having to figure out how to trust and depend on myself, rather than having a crutch (and the anxiety that comes with that).
• Dizziness, at times.

I consulted a psychiatrist a couple of times and it was unfortunately not that helpful. It was quick conversations, most of which resulted in asking if I wanted another prescription drug, to help me get off of this drug. While I understand that is effective in some situations, I was determined to do this in my own pure, non toxic way. I knew in my bones it was possible. I wasn’t trying to mask problems or pain any longer — I was ready to feel it all and come out the other side, which is the underlying metaphor for this entire experience.

This lasted about three months for me. After three months, I switched from CBD to Magnesium. After about 6 months of Magnesium as-needed, I stopped everything and now live my life completely anti-anxiety drug free.

A YEAR LATER (May 2017)

A year later, I feel like a different person. I have emotional freedom. I feel like my brain is now unlocked, and a cloud that I didn’t even know was there, has been removed.

I have more clarity than I thought imaginable;

I feel more emotionally regulated than ever before;

I no longer question my self worth;

I have conviction in what I do and who I am;

It’s crazy to think that such a drug can rob you of those emotions — but I had no point of reference because it was started so young.

However, it brought up a whole new level of emotional turmoil to be processed, that nobody ever mentioned or prepared me for.

• Grief, and the loss of a non-compromised childhood with memories.
• Learning how to trust my body and myself, since I never learned.
• Realizing the impact Xanax had on my memory and cognitive thinking.
• Coping with the notion that my brain was (and could still be) impaired, having been poisoned at such an early and developmental age — and accepting that I cannot do anything about it now.
• Unpacking the fact that a decision made by my parents on my behalf as a helpless child, and finding resolve in the fact that they did the best they could with what they knew.
• Sadness that the people around me never saw the severity or worried, especially when in college and mixing with copious amounts of alcohol.
• Dealing with the fact that I was slightly impaired in my emotional relationships, since I was never truly able to tap into my true needs and wants, or have the self confidence to give myself what I needed or wanted.
• From a health perspective, I now have to find ways to break down the high calcium shell build up in my body, that protected me for many years, along with massive levels of copper toxicity which I hope never affects my fertility.

I fear the long term effects, many of which I might not know about yet. I feel sadness when I think about the dimmed 20 years of my life. I still have bouts of resentment for the choices made on my behalf.

However, I also find gratitude in my journey.

This dependency forced me to dive into the more rooted issues that prompted the drug in the first place, invest in my personal growth, my health and my mind. All the things that make for healthy relationships, a healthy physical and emotional body and ultimately, a life worth living.

Thanks for reading my story, I hope this helps at least one person.